Jessica and Sarah’s Birth Story

Jessica and Sarah, a lesbian couple from Chicago, share the story of dreaming up and creating their beautiful family.

Getting Pregnant

Jessica: We always wanted kids, it was something we both knew we wanted when we met. We were living in Minnesota at the time, but I have a lot of family here so we moved back in 2023. And later that year, we started looking into it. We have some friends who are also queer who had a baby. So we met with them and just kind of learned about their journey: where they went, what fertility center they used, how they did it. We got a lot of advice from them, and we pretty much just followed their path and hoped it would work for us. So we went to FCI, Fertility Centers of Illinois, in early 2024 and started all the testing. We always knew I was going to carry. It’s something I’ve always wanted and Sarah doesn’t want. 

They told us the top sperm banks they recommended, because we knew we wanted to go that route. We looked at all of them and kind of decided honestly based on the vibe of the websites. We looked at our criteria, found a few top donors, and then decided on one. We tried to find someone who matched Sarah as closely as possible — same hair color, eye color, background, etc.

We started with the IUI route and hoped that would work. I actually got pregnant on the first try, in October of 2024, which was really nice. No medication or anything, just a natural cycle, and it worked. A lot of friends and family were on the journey with us, so they all knew we were going in on that day. We kept them up to date and told them all the details as soon as we knew. 

The pregnancy was mostly really smooth. We were very lucky and grateful. But at the 34-week checkup, we found out I had high blood pressure, which meant I would have to be induced to deliver early. It wasn’t too scary or anything. We had to buy a blood pressure cuff and check it at home multiple times a day, every day, because if it got too high, we might have had to deliver even earlier. But it stayed consistent, so the plan to induce at 37 weeks held. It seemed to be the right balance. He would be “cooked” enough and I wouldn’t take on too many more risks from the high blood pressure.

And honestly, I kind of loved being pregnant. I’m a science nerd, and I just think it’s so cool what our bodies can do. So I really enjoyed it. It was just a really cool experience. I think I was especially able to enjoy it because I wasn’t having too much pain or discomfort or anything.

But I always knew I wanted to have a medicated birth because I have a history of pain. Pap smears and that kind of stuff are just not fun for me. When we were trying to get pregnant and I was doing the initial ultrasounds to check my uterus, I actually passed out during an exam with a speculum because of how much it hurt for me. For the IUI, where you usually just pop into a room, speculum, sperm, and you're done, I went under anesthesia for it. I really didn’t want to pass out again and waste a whole vial of sperm, which is like over $1,000. So I knew I could have a lot of pain, and I didn’t want to pass out during birth. I wanted to be able to be present and witness it. I knew I wanted to be in a hospital with pain meds, because that would allow me to do that. 

But other than that, we didn’t have a lot of thoughts or requirements. We just didn’t want me to be in too much pain, and we wanted both of us to be healthy. So we were kind of like, “I don’t even know what else we’re supposed to plan for.” That’s one reason a doula really helped because they can walk you through, like, “Here’s what a birth plan might look like. Here are some things to think about.” We knew I’d be in the room, obviously. Sarah would be in the room, and I also wanted my mom in the room. It worked out that the hospital let me have three other people, so it was me, Sarah, my mom, and Mel.

Some of my friends are like, "Oh my God, I could never have my mom in there, she would drive me crazy." I just don't have those thoughts because we get along really well. We're like the same person. She really wanted to be there and I knew it wouldn’t dampen my experience or anything. She made sure to stay back and mostly out of it. Sarah and Mel were very physically there, but my mom was more emotionally and mentally there, which I really loved. It's going to be a really cool thing to look back on and know that she got to be a part of it all.

A good thing about being induced was that it gave us some ability to plan everything. Sarah’s dad lives out of town in Pittsburgh, and we wanted him here. But if I had gone into labor naturally, it would have kind of been like, "Jim, get on a plane." Plus my OB knew she was going to be on call that week, so she scheduled the induction hoping the timing would work out the way we wanted. You build a relationship with this doctor over many months and I think it would have been more stressful if a doctor had been there that we didn’t know. We did end up having a Gemini instead of a Cancer this way, but his birthday is on Juneteenth! 

Sarah: And you don't have to have that 2 am your water breaks and it’s like, oh crap, jump in the car, go to the hospital. Maybe you miss out on some of the “classic” birth experience, but at the end of the day, the aim of the game is to have a baby come out safely. And I don't want to have to think about it really, I just want to trust the people that know what they're talking about. They told us, “Hey, she's got some high blood pressure and this is the way we can fix it so they’ll both be fine.” And that’s what we want. We ended up having a Gemini instead of a cancer… but it’s what the universe wanted. And his birthday is Juneteenth! 

Jessica: And there's unpredictability in any birthing situation. Even with the induction, there's a lot of timing question marks. You start these meds, and we don't know how quickly they're going to work. Your body isn't ready yet, they are trying to make it ready. There was a part that was like, okay, this could take a really long time, blah blah blah, but that would be the case in normal labor as well. Every single human is different, and timing is different.

The Birth

Jessica: We're really lucky. It went really smoothly and as weird as it sounds, I think I had a lovely experience. They started with giving me some meds and the balloon that they put in your uterus to mimic the baby’s head and help your cervix know it's time to open. People say it’s a really painful experience, so I did IV pain meds for that, which I was very grateful for. I actually accidentally pulled the balloon out after only like two hours, but It's supposed to be in there for four hours. But luckily the nurse told me that if it came out, it was ready to come out and I wouldn't have been able to pull it out if I wasn’t dilated enough. So everything was moving quicker than they expected, which was nice.

We were napping and then once those four hours were up, they gave me Pitocin and broke my water. But they didn’t really communicate to me about that. I had known that many recommend waiting to break your water as long as you can because it can increase infection risk. We had talked to Mel about that. 

My contractions started after that, around noon. And honestly it was pretty fine. Mel was there at that point, leading me through different positions to do the contractions in, and doing counter pressure and stuff. And I asked Mel, “What would happen if you weren’t here? Would the nurses be in here helping me?” And they were like, “No, they’re busy.” And I was like, “Holy shit,” and I will say this over and over again, I really could not have done it without a doula, without Mel. I don’t know how anyone knows how to breathe through contractions, or what positions to stand in, or anything. I would have been totally lost. Maybe I would have done more of my own research if I didn’t have a doula coming in, but I think my assumption would have been that the nurses and doctors would be there to help you some. But the reality is, they’re there to help the baby and you once you’re delivering. But during labor, they’re barely there. And there was a massive turnover of nurses. We probably had like 15 different nurses, but it didn’t really bother me, everyone treated us really well, so it was fine.

We had Fleetwood Mac playing and their music brings me a lot of relaxation and joy, so having them on was really soothing. It got to the point where I didn’t even remember that the music was playing, but when I did register it, I was like, oh, that’s really nice. Sarah or Mel actually turned it on. They asked if I wanted music, and I think I was going through really painful contractions because I remember not being able to decide, but one of you just said, “Okay, I’m turning it on.” So that was good, because it was something we talked about in the birth plan. I wanted music, and I wanted calming stuff. And also just learning the different breathing techniques to help through contractions was super helpful. Mel had said that some people feel awkward doing the breathing because you’re making weird noises. One technique we had talked about was going into your lower register, breathing in and then going like “aaaahhhh.” They said some people don’t even do it because they’re embarrassed. But I wasn’t embarrassed. I thought, if it helps, I’m going to do it. And I practiced that breathing technique throughout contractions and I don’t know if it actually made a difference, but it gave me something to focus on which was good. Mel and Sarah both did it with me which was nice. 

But yeah the contractions are uncomfortable and then at some point, they start to get really painful. It was just getting exhausting and the pain was getting to be so much. At that point I knew, if I wanted an epidural, it needed to happen then, because you have to sit still for like 20 minutes while they’re putting the needle in your spinal cord. I felt I needed the epidural because it already felt like after each super painful contraction, I would be laying my head on the bed, just so tired. It really felt like deep deep suffering. Maybe my language is a little dramatic, but I knew if I didn’t get an epidural my suffering would become unbearable, and I didn’t want to get there. 

It’s probably different for every person but I can’t imagine doing an unmedicated birth. I have no idea how people do that. I couldn’t have done any more of that. It was 3 pm and I didn’t give birth to him till midnight. So I got the epidural around 4 pm and once that happened I chilled out for a bit. I probably would have just sat on my butt and done nothing but Mel was helpful in getting me in all these positions to help everything progress. Mel also had me nap though I was still chatty. They were like, “go take a nap.” It was a lot like, “lay on your right side, here’s a peanut ball, lay on your left side, eat some broth.” I had some broth, Italian ice and jello and I was just eating and resting for a few hours, but then I did get nauseous and I threw up a few times, but it didn’t bother me too much. 

Sarah: But it was a little traumatizing for me. 

Jessica: I knew it was just like the hormones and my body was really going through it. And then around I think 9, the epidural stopped working which was not fun. They were like, you’re going to start feeling some pressure in your butt and let us know when that becomes consistent, that’s how we know we’re getting to the next stage. And I was like, yeah I’m feeling some pressure, no wait, this is turning into pain. So then I was like laying in the bed gripping the poles and Sarah. And Mel and Sarah were there shaking my body and giving me counter pressure. But luckily the next anesthesiologist was much nicer than the first one and they figured it out. 

I think the hardest part was really when the epidural stopped working. It happened during transition, I believe. At that point, you kind of think you’re in the clear when it comes to pain, and then suddenly it starts again. At the beginning, when it was getting painful and I chose to get the epidural, I knew that was going to happen. I knew there would be a lot of pain until I got the epidural. But this felt more unexpected and out of my control. out of your control. I was like, “Why is this happening? Why isn’t this working anymore?” And suddenly you don’t know when the pain will end. 

But when the epidural stopped working, what really got me through it was just people’s hands physically on me. I knew I was being taken care of and supported. I don’t remember ever feeling alone. People were always touching me and helping me. I was really feeling the support of the nurses and Mel, knowing they were there for me trying to help me with movement and stuff. Having everyone there, I was like, I’m going to get through this. But then we found out he was in the wrong position. He was sunny side up, I think, which I would have thought was good.

Sarah: Yeah, like what is he supposed to be, hard boiled?

Jessica: But I wasn’t nervous at all when they said that because everyone else in the room felt so calm. The doctors and Mel, everyone just seemed calm about it, so I felt fine too. 

Sarah: It was about trusting people who know way more than me. If there’s ever a time the baby is in the wrong position, having labor and delivery nurses, OB/GYNs, and doulas around is probably the best situation. No one was in major distress. It felt more like a slightly annoying obstacle to jump over, not like, “Oh my God, he can’t breathe.” It was just like, “Oh his head’s the wrong way. Come on, dude.” 

Jessica: They just shook my body and my butt while the contractions were happening. 

Sarah: Mel and I would switch off shaking you. And I was like, what nonsense, non-science technique is this? This isn’t going to work. But it worked, of course.

Jessica: Then they came in for another check, and I was 10 centimeters. They said, “Alright, time to start pushing.” And I crushed it. For some reason, I figured it out pretty quickly. Some friends told me it took them an hour just to learn how to push, and then they spent another hour or two pushing. That sounds exhausting. I was lucky, for me, he came out within 40 minutes. I didn’t tear much and everything went really smoothly. In my head, I remember hearing  a symphony of people counting “one, two, three,” and when I was done, everyone was like, “Great push, that was amazing!” The whole pushing part felt powerful because there was this chorus of people cheering me on. It felt like finally, we were at the moment the whole pregnancy was leading up to, having the baby. That moment was everything.

Sarah: You had been doing physical therapy exercises for months leading up to having the baby. I wonder if that helped with knowing how to push.

Jessica: That’s a good point. In pelvic floor therapy, the physical therapist’s fingers were inside my vagina, teaching me how to activate those muscles. So maybe when they said, “Okay, activate these muscles and push,” I already knew them. We have a friend whose baby is just a few months older than ours, and she said it took forever to figure out how to push. I was thinking, uneducated me, “What do you mean? The doctor tells you how to push.” It’s like pushing poop out. But with an epidural, you don’t feel the same stuff, so that makes it harder to know where to push. 

Jessica: The first thing I said when he was born was “Oh my God, his nose is huge.” Honestly, when he was born and put on my chest, it wasn’t this huge emotional moment. It had been such a long day and we hadn’t met him before, so he felt a bit like a stranger. I guess some people feel an immediate attachment, but I don’t think either of us did at first. We both thought, “Oh my God, what a cute, sweet baby. We want to love him and kiss him,” but it wasn’t an immediate emotional bond. That built over the next few days and weeks as we got to know him and built our connection.

There’s this stereotype that when the baby is born, it’s a magical, immediate moment. We honestly didn’t have that. It felt more like a joyful, exciting task that was accomplished. Like, holy crap, we did it. I had a baby. It felt like a really interesting 19 hours, something I might only experience once or twice in my life. I was stuck thinking about the whole day and the experience. The week after, I really started focusing on him and building that bond.

Sarah: For me, right after he was born, I was really more focused on Jessica, making sure she was okay and heard as best as she could be. Of course, I wanted everything to go well and for him to be healthy and safe, but I also felt like, “Okay, he’s out. People who know more than me are taking care of him.” There were so many people around us, it was midnight, and we’d been awake for so long. I couldn’t have cried then. If I cried, it would be because I was tired, not emotional.

Maybe if we had been trying to get pregnant for years and had problems, our reaction would’ve been different. Of course, we were happy, but I also thought he looked kind of weird. And there were plenty of people in the room that had held more babies than me, and I didn’t really know what I was doing. Everyone was watching me, and it felt a bit like I was hosting people. Like, “Hi, welcome.” It was really hard to be emotionally in touch with myself at that moment.

But the next morning, I was asleep when a doctor came in and said he looked a little cold and suggested some skin-to-skin contact. I was looking at him, thinking, “He’s cold. That’s sad.” So I did skin-to-skin. That was when I felt, “Oh, this is what we’re doing here.” He’s not like a fragile piece of paper that’ll tear at any moment.

Before he was born, we called him “Sprout” because we didn’t want to tell people his name. So when he was born I was like, “Who’s Lewis? Oh, right, that’s his name now.” So it helped when Jessica was like, “This is Sprout! Remember?” And I was like, “Oh my god, you’re right, and now he’s here.” But it’s really not all mushy and gushy like you expect. It’s the small things, like, I just changed him and didn’t cry! It’s a relationship you build over time.

Reflections on Having a Doula

Sarah: We took this birth class months before the birth at the hospital, and it was graphic, but not too graphic. Still, I remember I was really not feeling good. It was probably because I hadn’t eaten enough and it was almost dinner time, but I was so worried I was going to pass out or something when the baby was born. I really didn’t want to be the person who doesn’t help at all. 

But having Mel there helped a lot. Being able to watch them and see what they were doing. Like how to give counter pressure. I had some books with me, but I couldn’t have flipped through them during labor, I would have freaked out. I'm just really thrilled I didn’t pass out. I even watched the doctor do the stitches and that was cool. I would never want to be pregnant, but I really enjoyed helping.

Jessica: I know we’re talking about the whole experience, but I really want to write a review for Mel someday. Absolutely 10 out of 10. I’ve heard some people say they didn’t need a doula for their second baby because they already knew what to expect. But I couldn’t imagine ever doing it without one. Mel was such a pivotal part of everything.

Sarah: Having a doula was like having a travel guide or translator when you’re in a foreign country. You could do it alone, but it’s so much easier and less stressful to have someone who knows the language and customs.The nurses were great but had so many other things to do. They couldn’t provide the kind of continuous support Mel did. Plus, they took some really cool pictures. I think everyone should get a doula if they’re having a baby.