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Queer Parent Names: What Do Your Kids Call You?
- Mel Haley
- Jun 1
- 5 min read
You know what I love most about queer families? They are intentional. Many queer families can't get pregnant without a little help, which means creating and bringing a child into the world is a thoughtful process. And since we don't get to do a lot of things in life without thinking about them, we are usually pretty good at questioning all the norms and assumptions. Children of queer families are so lucky!
One of the more fun things that queer families grapple with is what to have your children call you. I've seen lots of different approaches, and in honor of pride month I am sharing some here. To be clear, I'm gay every month. I just like themes. I used to teach kindergarten, I can't help it.
Picking Two Versions of Mom
I work with a lot of queer families that identify as lesbians and have decided to go the classic route: one person is Mama and the other is Mommy (or Mom). I think this is a great solution for families where both people have always dreamed of being a mother and feel attachment to the title. You might both be "mama" for a little while during language acquisition but children are so very smart and will quickly figure it out. I also worked with a Jewish family where one mom went by the Jewish word for mom, "ima." Other versions of mom:
Ma
Mami
Mama [name], e.g., Mama Helen
Mimi
Mombo
Anya (Hungarian)
Maman (French)
Umma (Korean)
Deda (Georgian)
Sticking to Mom & Dad
I've had a string of queer couples lately where the non-birthing person presents as afab and they have decided to go by Dad. I love it. Why mess with a tried and true method? Babies often babble "dada" first so you are giving yourself the best shot at being called correctly before anyone else. The pure confusion on the faces of nurses for the first few minutes fills me with queer joy. Change the definition of dad! One client joked, "Somebody has to give dads a good name." I'm dead. Some other versions of dad:
Papa
Papi
Aba
Baba
Bapa (Malay)
Isa (Estonian & Finnish)
Tata (Romanian, Czech, Belarusian)
Ata (Turkish)
Nonbinary Parent Names
Ahh, the place that is filled with the most creativity. I've got a soft spot for my fellow enbys, and the world is our oyster because we can be anything! Often nonbinary folks are still trying to figure out the language that makes sense to fit our experience - you're welcome, world. Of course you can browse the previous two sections to see if any versions of mom or dad might work for you. Not feeling mom or dad? The world is your oyster, let's brainstorm. Here are some of the nonbinary parent names that I know from families I have had the privilege of working with:
Poppy
Zaza
Baba
Pama
Mapa
Ren (short for pa-REN-t), Renny
Oya (Japanese for "parent")
Maddy
Momo
Pompom
Aba
Gender Affirmation
Wow does it fill me with the biggest fucking joy to call a trans parent by the parent name that matches their gender identity. Trans moms and dads light up the whole world. This is just a little love note to them - and you if that is you! I love you.
Wait and See
Not sure yet what you want your kiddo to call you? That is a-okay. They don't talk for over a year, so you have a whole lot of time to play around with different titles and see what feels good. You can have your partner try out different names in front of your baby and see how it feels. You are growing an entirely new identity, so it stands to reason that you might not fully know what that identity should be called yet. The name you pick might hit you in the chest as a YES, or it might be one that grows on your slowly over time. Just know that if you're child picks, you could end of being called "Babs" for the rest of your life.
Bonus: Niblings and Piblings
I'm not a queer parent, but I do have a beloved nephew. When we were trying to figure out what me and my spouse should be called, none of the usual mashups were working for us. My partner was talking to their sister and explaining that there is a gender neutral word for us, pibling, "but its not cute." In a very happy accident, my sister-in-law heard "Pippi" and thus our title was born.
He's 19 months now so he knows our names, but he's very confused about us being called the same thing in the most adorable way. We will probably go by Pippi K and Pippi Mel to put the poor child out of his misery. We often joke that the plural could be said "pip-is" and that opens the door for some bathroom humor in later years. We accept this eventuality with joy.
I worked with another family who had a very involved pibling who chose to go by "Rocky" because they want to be a rock in the child's life. Love that.
Some of the more common queer names for a pibling, which could be used by a parent, too:
ancle (the opportunity for foot jokes abound)
ente
unty
titi (gender neutral for Spanish Tia/Tio)
zizi (gender neutral for Italian Zia/Zio)
zibi
nibi
Still Feeling Lost?
That is ok! Identity stuff is always a lot of hard work. Anyone saying otherwise is probably straight or cis or both. I would recommend that you spend some time reflecting and journaling. Talk to your therapist. Your trusted friends. Get comfortable in the discomfort.
What does being a parent mean to you? What associations do you have with the word "mom"? "Dad"?
Can you imagine your child's fifth birthday party? They are running around and playing joyfully with their friends. They want you to watch them as they slide down the slide - and they call out for you. What sound do you want to hear to know that joy is meant to be shared with you?
Do you have strong feelings about sharing or not sharing your parent name with your partner(s)? Why?
Does any of your hesitation about picking your parent name have to do with your feelings about your gender? Would getting more clear about your gender help you choose a parent name?
To all the mamas, babas, papas, pippis, and everybody in between: you are making the whole world a better place. I actually believe that. Thank you for choosing to live bravely in this world. You are my heroes and the reason I do this work.
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